Moving Day...

Another year, another lease! NOT!

This year my life has already changed. It has had it's ups and it's downs. You're thinking, yeah so does every year. But this year I saw things from a different view like Dewitt Jones better explains it, "But vision controls our perception, and our perception becomes our reality".

Seeing things in this new light gave it much more meaning to me. A better reason to see plan B as that second hand to hold and not as something to fall back on because plan A failed.

"by celebrating the best -- that allows us to fall in love with it, that connects us with our passion, that emancipates the energy." Dewitt Jones.

That quote says it all for me. Now that I am in love, I'm in love in a whole new light. I love him so much I fall to my knees from his words and that his eyes are so deep it carries me back up. Just like that. I love him enough to make sure he has a full tummy before bed. He makes me feel that love when he tells me I'm beautiful in the morning. He brings out a laugh only he controls. I've falling in love with him because he allowed me to lay in his heart and feel free.

Our love has grown old enough to allow us to put each others lives in our hands and move in together. Meaning, everything will be under one roof. That makes me happy. And what makes me happy, makes him happy. It's our own circle of life.

And for those who do not know, he has taken a role in not only my life but in my children's lives. It's a big deal. Fireworks go off every time he shows them attention and when they remember after he has left. It melts my heart. And I know I've said no man could ever melt my heart. But this man has; loving two kids who aren't his own and loving me for just myself is only a crumb of the cake. He is the kind of man you read about and only wish you had one.

He is my blessing and enhances that every time I fall asleep next to him.

So if the years to come have ups and downs, I'm ready for them with him standing next to me.

Sunday. The day before Monday.

I have a lot to say and intended to speak with a friend but he was busy and so blogging it is! So the blogging nation will need to deal with my few minutes of ranting.

My parents moved to Nevada this past February. I miss them so much it hurts. My kids miss them and I feel so home sick. There are just some things my parents can give me that no one else can. Home comfort. This weekend was by far one of the toughest weekends with my kids. They were all over the place non stop. Not that they were misbehaving, but just so full of energy. Being a single mother I'm sure others can relate.

Friday night we played games until we were all drained. Woke up Saturday morning to cartoons and the kids jumping on the bed telling me they are dying of hunger. So I make them a large breakfast that they barely ate. Ugh that made me so mad! Then as I'm cleaning it all up they tell me they are hungry. I made them eat an apple.

So then we spend almost five hours at the pool with some of my friends and between, the kids, beer and sun I was just out of whatever it is that keeps me alive. We went to bed pretty early.

Sunday, not always a fun day! I had somewhat of a hangover, I didn't eat until like noon and I couldn't even finish my coffee because my kids had to play with play dough which they managed to get everywhere. Then I cooked dinner at like 4pm so we could fly kites....The kitchen was a mess. I hate doing dishes. I hate doing dishes when I'm tired. I hate doing dishes when I'm tired and mad.

AND, I HAD to take my kids to the grocery store today because I needed to! They were sooo bad. I could not believe these were my kids!!

If my parents were here this weekend would have been better. But they weren't and it gets me so damn sad. I remember when my mom would make such a big deal about getting sleep, so she would take the kids for a few hours so I could nap.

I have amazing parents and I love them very much. I wish they would follow this blog but they are old fashioned and can barely text.

My eyes are sore, my head is pounding, my body is tired, my legs are unsettled, my back is throbbing....No energy could be found if energy was the only thing that could save my life.

Goodnight.

Couldn't Sleep

Never mind the answer to the question asked,
forget the moment when it all went boom.
Anger is the fault for a sleepless night
to which spilled over to a horrible morning.
Let it be, those words exchanged,
for nothing needs to be explained.
Let the stress disappear
and let me fall back to sleep.
The only light that is always on,
is now gone, far away.
No need for comfort or even joy
forget the need to need that time.
Forget the feeling I felt inside
forget that thought that leaped around.
Don't slide me to the right,
for left is where I'd rather lay.
My eyes are shut but my mind
is open,
thoughts linger late so it seems,
midnight's here and has brushed away sleep.
Current status is; no, why and how.
The eyes are drooping and have lost the fight,
bedtime is calling, but this time without the light.

A New Aspect In The Name Of Love

So there I was, standing in the body wash isle jamming out to my IPod. As I am trying to figure out which body wash I want, Cheap Trick's 'I want you to want me', came on and suddenly a thought popped into my head; maybe I should get a body wash that my boyfriend and myself could both use. One that doesn't smell like a women or man. Normally I am reaching for the most floral scent without a doubt, except for this time.

I'm standing there, with a blank face; my mouth is probably open a little and people are trying to reach around me just grabbing A body wash. They didn't stand there for a second to smell it, or try and decide if one was better than the other. So I'm taking deep breathes because I didn't know which one I should grab. I don't even know if he would notice or think "why doesn't she have her normal girly one?"....But oh well.

When I reached for one, I grabbed the Cucumber and Green Tea scent. I couldn't believe I was compromising my body wash for a man that only showers at my place here and there.....but I did. Of course body wash is only a micro piece of importance, but it felt important and was worth writing about.

Then again, if subliminal messages were implemented into that song then I am fucked....I love that song!

It sits under my IF thought

IT FOUND AN ORIFICE AND SQUEEZED ITS WAY INTO MY BODY
IT SLIT ITS OWN WRISTS TO UNLEASH ITS BLACK POISON INTO THE FLOW OF MY BLOOD
IT MADE A VISIT INTO MY EYES AND PLAYED A SHOW THAT RECEIVED NO APPLAUSE
IT FLEW INTO THE PIT OF MY STOMACH AND DANCED AROUND MY PEACEFUL BUTTERFLIES UNTIL THEY BECAME ANGERED
IT CLIMBED ITS WAY UP MY THROAT INTO MY EARS TO MAKE ME BELIEVE I HEARD IT ALL
IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH IT WALKED ALONG THE DIPS ON MY BRAIN AND FILLED EACH ONE THAT HAD AN IF WITH UGLY THOUGHTS; WITH UGLY NIGHTMARES; WITH HORRIBLE SENSES THAT MADE ME FEEL ILL
IT FOUND ITSELF SWINGING AROUND MY HEART AND INTO A CAVE
IT MADE A HOME WITH IF AND HELPS IT PUSH ME AWAY FROM MYSELF
ITS CREATING A SCAR THAT EVENTUALLY WILL HEAL
BUT SCARS STICK AROUND TO REMIND YOU OF THE DAMAGE IT HAS CAUSED.

Think before you Speak!

In the last two weeks or three weeks I have run into a situation that has forced me to question shit. I mean, if I have to go over it in my mind more than a few times I worry. I worry all the time about all kinds of shit. But it really fucking bothers me when I'm reading something, listening to someone and they write or say something that triggers that WTF feeling inside...It's no good for me. I may not tell you right away. I may just let that shit soak and evaporate and never bring it up. But damn that if I will do it with the shit that has gone down these last three weeks!

I made it final that I, myself make my mind up for myself. I will think before I speak, because some of you are in the moment, and caught up in excitement or sadness and say the craziest shit that you don't even realize what it could do to the other person! You just keep fucking rambling on and on about your shit, with no fucking care or thought. Amazes me!

Damn, writing more and more about this just really sets me off! And you know what else gets me going? A FRONT! A fucking front that gets put on because your fucking sad or you're just having a good old fucking time! For me, it only takes me three times to question it before I explode on your ass. And when I say that, I mean tell you the fuck off. Tell you how low and disrespectful you are. Words have power. Don't be a fucking idiot because of where you currently are, who you are around and what you think you shouldn't say.

I don't accept apologies very well, never have and never will. You did it, you did it. Vise versa. I don't expect anyone to accept my apology right off the back.

There are only two things in life that matter, and those are my two kids. Everything else is an exception. I've made that choice to have you in my life, you fuck it up or allow me to question it then you're out. That's it. Second chances are good to give, only and if you deserve them!

I can go on and on about the shit that is built up, but then you would be reading for hours.

I'm done here!

A Love Letter in March

Fall and Winter have passed as we catch ourselves waking up to Spring. We bloom into a mold that no one could ever break, a mold so tough only our weepy hearts could melt it to tears. We've grown into this thing that has the greatest vibe, the greatest thoughts that are only great when we are together. A melody that was written from two different lives that syncs slowly, sleeping into one another every time we meet.

Being with you is never a dull moment. Never an empty glass of nothing. There is always something there, even when it was placed by fate. By which that has carried us to where we are now. I seem to lose myself when we spend time together. I become sleepy for you. When your arms are around me and my eyes are tightly closed; everything else feels so small. That's how big you make me feel.

This love can be everlasting even when time doesn't allow. Time has paused because it has come to know we anxiously wait to see one another. It knows our bodies ache when we are apart. Slowly we reach the end of that pause and time begins to fly, it goes until that Sunday morning. The last day for us to rest on, a day for us to praise each other and remind ourselves what we never thought would happen. Each other. I always take our last few moments to allow your eyes to steal me away. To let your eyes settle in my soul and warm me up until the cold drift has left my body.

You've become more than just everything to me, your a part of me that I need in order to see. In order to speak or hear. You're the best part of me. Without you, I'm an empty glass.