You go one direction and the other goes another

Its a different week, with new plans or no plans. Either way, you're doing something without the other. All these great things to do, but without your partner. Its a little sad and it can really catch up to a person when you look back and realize you were there alone. You're in a relationship with no relation. How does that happen? How do you wake up and feel? Maybe normal because no one really puts any though into it. Well, unless your analytical.

Sometimes you sit and wonder what its all for if you can't share the same memories, you can't share the inside jokes and or the conversations that took place. Some people just do it. They live that way and their fine with it.

You go one direction and the other goes another. Then you come home and go to bed. Its not exciting. Its not boring looking from the inside out out. But looking from the outside in, it can be concerning. Nights in bed are, just another night in bed. It doesn't sound like that place you made up in your mind a few months back when you thought it was your get a way destination, your fort for relaxing, a sea of pillows. No, its just a bed now. With pillows and a small calling that says 'come to bed'.

Your drive home is now like every other person on the road. You once used to be that person that would rush home to get on the road to spend quality time. To see the look on their face when they saw you. Now, you park, you go home, and eat dinner. The exception is gone. The rule has taken over.

Yet you try so hard and you keep trying. But no one can read your mind, so you try actions. Then your actions are shot down, then you try words. Then those words begin to lose their meaning. So then you become silent. A robot. You're programmed to love according to the rule. Because the exception is gone. And to have the least, you follow the rules.

The days of day dreaming are gone and silly conversations are dull. A spontaneous agenda has grown wings and has flown south for the winter. Moments are no longer moments, their pieces of the day that just broke off.

Does satisfactory count? Who knows, and why does it matter now. It's all established and you just keep moving along. At this point you begin to question your self and the support you give. Is there any support given? You tried. You tried many times. But it's okay, sometimes that support is meaningless and whatever needs to replace that can't be found, so you stop searching. Because you looked under the couch, in the closet and in yourself. It's missing, and maybe you're not meant to find it. Maybe someone with that same support system has it but they have not been discovered.

They haven't been discovered because all you know how to do now is live with the rule instead of the exception. And those rules sometimes can't help you move on. There is no motivation, no passion. Just a lack of service.

Those late dinners you remember being so fun, are just now a hassle. A decision that really isn't thought out anymore. It's just another item on the list. All the wonderful moments that used to be are just broken pieces living with a bad strip of tape holding them together.

Suddenly its a new week and you're back on the same path. You go one direction and the other goes another.

My Revolution

Since August of 2009 my life has changed dramatically. The event that took place made me re think every aspect of my life and what I was here for. It made me think twice about my family, my self, my kids, my friends, and my job.

I felt like a spec floating in and out of time. Like there was no time for me but to float on by. Well I was tired of floating by and I was tired of taking in second best. So I decided to evaluate every piece of my life and I did just that in five months.

Five months was all I needed to myself to figure out who I was and what the difference was between what I needed and what I wanted. Five months sounds like a long time to figure out who you are but when three years of my life was taken away, five months was a perfect amount of time.

I found the steering wheel and brakes to my life and decided to take a ride and never look back. And I have.

My family, even as far away they may be were the ones to inspire me to move on and take control. The conversations and the tears we shared drew the scars on my heart away and left new meaning to my life. And again, they may be far away, but I've never had them closer to me like I do now.

My self, I worked on and worked on until I knew I was happy. Knowing I could support my self was something no one could take away from me. Loving my self made everything else easier. Only I can make the choice as others have only an influence on my life. I like to run in a pack that is unknown. In a pack that gets the cold shoulder, but one day that pack will grow and others will see it fit. Until then, if your looking for firewood, you can pull the sticks that are stuck up everyone else's assess.

My kids, have so much of me inside them that it becomes scary. I can't imagine them becoming as much of a rebel as I was. But at the same time, if they do I hope they will learn there lessons from it. Kids should never have to see their mommy's heartache, never see the little money they have. They should be blinded by the love and never have to worry. I do everything I can to make that happen. I appreciated my mother more after I felt the pain she felt with what took place.

My friends, most of them were not who I thought they were. Everyone with more than a handful of friends will never know who is truly their friend at the end. I realized that after my life changed. I lost touch with some, lost friendships with others. But the one who remains, I know she knows who she is, is truly my sole sister. She was there from the very beginning and I know will be there till the end. I do have a handful of friends that I truly love, and those few have remained in my life after such events with the same love they had for me before. Friendships should never change, but only the life around them.

My job, has only become greater. It's my life support and I have much gratitude for all it gives me.

The newest piece of my life that I know was made to fit, is the man I love. And you ask how I know...Well that's because when my heart and mind knew I was in love, it wasn't something I was unsure of. I questioned it, wrote about it and was able to describe it in such a way I shocked myself. An unquestionable love is not love at all. That type of love then becomes just another thing that you happen to do.
But this love is more than something, its a support my heart needs.

So cheers to the ones who left us, to the ones who knew us and to the ones who kept us.

OMG...I'm on a diet too!

I would call myself an average. I'm a size 8 but feel like a 10. I'm 5'5 but feels like a lot shorter...

I have been a size double zero and went all the way to a size 14. I've had two children and have had a divorce. None of this makes me want to diet. None. I've been lucky to be able to slim down, but I have more luck exercising than dieting.

I've done the dieting, almost every diet. And you know what, they all sucked! They were gross diets, made me hungrier diets, I can't believe what's in the toilet diets. Diets are just horrible. For some people I have a deep understanding of why they are making that choice. I have friends who have been dieting for years and years. But no results, I mean maybe minimal results. I feel like the diets take the color, the taste and fun out of your life.

The way I see it, there are two different types of weight gain. One is the kind that you can't control because its in your genes, and the other is the kind where you can't get enough of that delicious food. It's true. I'm not trying to be mean or point any fingers, but I know where I've been and I have a right now to tell it like it is.

Why can't you people just enjoy the food you eat instead of scarfing it down, chugging it down with sugary drinks? Don't you want to slow down and smells the roses? Taste your food? See if you can guess all the spices you taste?

Why must we engorge ourselves until we can no longer fit into our jeans? Yeah they make stretch clothes but that's an excuse. Slip on shoes are an excuse. Black is an excuse. Why would you want to try and look slimmer when you should just want to be slimmer? EH!?

I'm amazed at all the foreigners that want to live in this country. We have to be the most unhealthy place to live and by choice! It's horrible.

I have to admit, I was a donut addict. I have stories of what I would do for a donut or two. I would eat like 3-4 every day. I could sit in my car and eat a dozen donuts all by myself. But a nice person told me what was going to happen to me if I continued. I didn't like what he said so I stopped eating those donuts.

You think all those celebrities have gorgeous skin and hair and bodies just because? Think again, they eat well, sleep well and most likely are very active. And you're probably saying to your self, 'I don't have time to do all of the above'. If you have time to take a shit and wipe your ass then you know you have time to exercise.

Forget the resolutions and just do it!

"No food or drinks allowed"

In 2005 almost every store in the mall had a "No food or drinks allowed" sign up in the front of their store. This sucked big time since the first place people visit is the food court when they go to the mall. Then you walk around and start to want to shop and so on until that damn sign stops you. Well, you get a little irritated and then take your business to a store that allows food and drinks in the store.

Well when I visit the mall for whatever reason it may be, I ALWAYS want to stop and get an Orange Julius before I do anything else. Well as I walked around in the mall, I did notice a lot of shops not allowing my drink in. So I would walk in anyway and tell them that since I can't have my drink in this store I will take my business else where. And I did that to every store I shopped at before. Well, those sale reps did not like that, not one bit!

I stopped going to the mall after that. Well, like for a month. BUT! As the months passed by I noticed that fewer shops had taken down their signs of "No food or drinks allowed". Now I'm not saying by any means that I started that movement, but it was people like me that did. The people that were fed up of having to wait till their children were done snacking on that pretzel, or that group of teen girls where done with there ice cream. It was people like that.

I understand the problem with having these privileges that there may be some problems. Like a spill, or a stain on a shirt. But this also applies to the dressing rooms. Women try on clothes and leave smudges of make up, deodorant all over the clothes. Well, I asked myself, why hasn't that privilege been taken away That's because the retailer would lose business. Lose money. Same goes for the no food or drinks movement. Retailers, I am assuming got the hint when they noticed that people would not walk into their stores because of the drinks the consumer was sipping. Well, I'm sure that one store wanted to take the risk of a couple ruined shirts for more business and the rest just hopped on the ban wagon.

Well as you know, the major department stores never carried this rule. As to why they are probably doing very well. Now all this has been an assumption of V's thoughts, and its a pretty damn good one if you ask me!

Retired Mall Rat,
V