Relationships are like drugs, some do them and others don’t. The ones who do, sometimes do wrong and the ones that don’t, tend to learn from the ones who do wrong. It’s a vicious cycle.
I’ve been in good, great, bad, confusing relationships that I have dubbed myself an expert. For those that know me personally, know that I may be 29 but my sole is really 55. I have been there done that starting at a very young.
In my years of being a young mother, a wife and so many other things, I have finally learned why my past relationships did not work out. And, why I didn’t like who I was when I was in them.
The biggest lesson of all was learned but not mastered from my first marriage. We married not for love but for lust. We divorced because the lust ran out. I was completely blinded in this marriage that I had no idea that I was just there because I just was. My mind was completely empty that I couldn’t even add up the facts and realize that the marriage was crumbling. When it did, it hit me. I cried, I was angry, I was happy and then excited. Very weird emotions and yet, my life wasn’t crumbling, just the marriage. I wasn’t going to be one of those women who hide from the world and make drastic changes to cope over the divorce. Instead I just moved forward and that was that.
My lesson learned wasn’t presented until I met my new boyfriend. The one I leaned on after my divorce. I was never a “go-with-the-flow” kind of girl. But in this new relationship I did. I flowed a lot and everywhere with new friends and experiences. I was more caring, open to PDA (which I never was before) and allowed myself to enjoy the alone time when he was out with his friends. It was a new me, and I wasn’t exactly sure if I was being real or fake. But the more he went out with his friends, the more I didn’t like being left out. I felt jealous and I felt like maybe it was my entire fault that he wanted to be out with them. After a while, I finally started communicating it to him. He would be concerned and was willing to compromise. Things I was not used to but appreciating his communication. Another new thing for me was that he was always on his phone. Mostly for work, and so I learned to ignore that. I didn’t focus so much on what he wasn’t doing but just kept my eye on what he was. This was all the good stuff.
When I did start paying attention to more of the gray, I became one of those girlfriends that wanted to know more but without him telling me. So I would investigate, in women’s terms. I didn’t like what I found, it wasn’t bad but it didn’t make me want this anymore. Shortly after that he ended the relationship. I didn’t help much after by posting a vagina rant on my blog and later took it down but didn’t really want to. He was angry and shook me after he read it. He was so mad. I was satisfied in an evil way. That’s when I knew, that’s when everything made more sense. In my marriage I was just drifting along. In this relationship, I became careless and jealous.
My lessons learned; if a man wants to be with you he will. If you have to investigate his social media, the relationship is already over. If you have to check his phone, you have not learned how to trust. If you punish him for things that happened in your last relationship, you don’t deserve him. If guy’s night is too much for you to say yes to, the rest of your relationship will grow tension and then explode in your face. If you become jealous, question yourself not him. When he wants to know what’s wrong, you tell him. If he never asks, find out why. Being in love is not the same as loving him; I’m loving towards my parents. I’m in love with chocolate. Let your man be chocolate. Not your parents. If you question his actions after he has apologized a million times, look in the mirror and question your actions. You don’t dislike his friends; you just aren’t interested in their gossip and hobbies. Don’t hide this, tell him. If he loves you, he will support you. If you can’t go anywhere without him, you are losing your identities. The master of it all – if you hate that he leaves his socks everywhere and that continues to be your argument through your engagement; it will be the argument through your marriage and the reason for your divorce. Unless, you learn how to pick your battles. If you can’t get over the socks on the floor, you will never see the bigger picture.
My list of lessons go on. I admit, I am still learning and molding myself on the little things that I know I will always need to work on. But I’ve figured most of it out and I am happy that it only took me 10 years to come to this conclusion. But now I feel like it’s a curse because of what I see in other relationships around me. I see the ones whose love is truly genuine and the others who struggle to hide their demons.
I’ve given advice to those who asked, but I will never just give my opinion regarding your relationship. And even though I think it, it’s not my right to say it. I know my limitations.
All of this goes to the men out there as well, it’s a two way street. You want a queen, don’t treat us like peasant. And women, if you want a king, don’t treat him like slave.
Until next time.
